The Couple's Activity
by Seneschal
Summary: Ironhide encounters a new aspect of human culture, and much confusion ensues. Poor, poor Ironhide. One-shot, no pairings, some potty mouth, mature-but-not content.


He didn't understand it. It was a baffling thing these humans did, and Ironhide couldn't make heads or tails of it the first few times he'd seen it. First, he'd seen his human Will Lennox and his wife Sarah doing it. It had been shortly after the battle at Mission City, and Ironhide had been visiting his new human friend, an activity which Optimus encouraged. The Prime had been very pro-human-autobot relations, and had been doing his best to promote friendships amongst the two species, insisting that it was very important to foster good relationships with the small organics who were allowing them to stay on Earth.

Personally, Ironhide thought the humans could just go slag off if they didn't want them to stay, but he knew better than saying as much to Optimus what with all of his happy-tra-la-la 'love, peace, freedom' talk.

Yeah, it was part of the Autobot guidebook, but still! The humans were so small and squishy, and they had small, squishy rodents which lubricated on innocent bystanders. It was disgusting, really, and they had the audacity to think they could order the Cybertronians around..?

Back on topic, Sarah and Will had allowed him to stay, and from his place in their drive late one evening he'd been drawn from his light recharge by the sound of a playful shriek which had at first alarmed the Topkick. Upon running a quick scan of the house he'd found nothing out of the ordinary other than that the two adult humans were apparently engaging in some play-fighting. Well, that was alright, as long as no Deceptislag scrap-heaps were around, he thought, settling back on his shocks.

He hadn't tried going back to recharge immediately because the humans were doing something different, and he perked up to pay attention when he realized it, curiosity overwhelming any sense of politeness he may have possessed, and so the weapons specialist immediately set his optics to zoom, so that he could see them more clearly through the open windows.

For a long while—perhaps an hour to an hour and a half as the humans reckoned time—he'd sat and watched them, bewildered by this behavior. It was not unlike any behavior he'd ever seen from humans before, but he'd certainly never seen anything exactly like this. It was not unlike embracing, only much longer. The two were moving together, undulating their bodies to some sort of rhythm. He didn't know how, but somehow the two organic beings were able to synchronize their movements near-perfectly, so he thought that it must be some sort of 'instinct'. He'd heard about organics possessing something that was like a Cybertronian's Automated Reflex Protocols, but in organics he'd heard Ratchet call them instincts.

This, he thought, must be that.

The two had seemed to enjoy themselves judging by their expressions and the way they moved their mouths and faces, though Ironhide had been unable to hear any sounds due to the windows being shut. Still, he'd watched with a combination of fascination and disgust the way they touched one another, moved together…soon, he began to see they were panting a little and their pace sped up, and he had to look away as they began to emit bodily fluids. Honestly! One thing Ironhide couldn't handle about the little humans was their tendency to _leak. _He had to look away, and had left the drive, deciding to go on patrol for a little while. When he returned, the two lay in a tangle together on their bed, out like a light. Only then was Ironhide able to recharge properly.

The next time it was Sam and Mikaela.

They did it much differently from Will and Sarah, and to Ironhide's shock, the ritual—he'd thought it was an intimate, private thing for humans to do!—was being done in the base rec room! Indignant, he'd frowned and scowled at them as they undulated and squirmed about in a messy slide of human skin on skin, hands touching in all manner of places and—ugh! Again with the leaking bodily fluids, even more than the other two!

And these two were making all manner of astonishing sounds over the sound of the blaring noise humans called music, loud noises with just the occasional word thrown in, grunts and breathless laughter—and Ironhide nearly glitched in shock—Epps and a number of the NEST crew were standing around and watching the whole affair! What a truly appalling ritual of these humans!

Ironhide just didn't understand, and though he stayed and watched the noisy, wet, humid thing to the end and watched them flop down on the couch, panting, sweaty, their clothes in disarray and skin flushed, he knew he had to speak to them about it.

But who? Not Will, because he didn't want Will to know that he had spied upon such an intimate moment. No, and not Epps, either, because even Ironhide knew that the man had all of the tact of a…of, well, Ironhide. _"Left cheek! Left cheek! Left cheek!" _came to mind. In this fashion Ironhide systematically narrowed down his choices and, in the end, he was left with only one clear choice. Sam Witwicky.

When confronted about the issue, Sam just laughed and told Ironhide, "No! No, it's not something private! People do it in public all the time." He was smiling up at Ironhide from where he sat next to the Topkick on a large storage carton the mechs had taken to using as furniture, kicking his feet against the metal. Ironhide cycled air through his vents, more as a way of buying time to think than like a human would sigh.

"I was under the impression that it was a very private thing for humans. Thank you for clearing it up for me." He nodded slowly, thoughtful, and felt the small human's hand pat him on the thigh before the human stood and began walking to the ladder set up on the other end of the boxcar to let the humans be able to move around without assistance. "Sure thing, buddy," Sam told him casually, "you can ask me any time you have any questions." And with another grin and a wave, Sam climbed down and jogged back towards the canteen, presumably to get food.

Well, Ironhide thought, that was interesting and disappointingly anti-climatic. The issue was shoved to the back of his processor in favor of more important things, and for a number of months, he didn't think about it again. Oh, he saw it happening—it was impossible not to, in a base of this size, with so many humans running about with their strange lack of shame—and often between members of the same sex. Still, it was nothing to be concerned about, because Ironhide knew there were few females on base, and anyways, same-gender pairings were common among Cybertronians, who had few femmes to begin with.

No, same-sex…activities…didn't bother the weapons specialist.

It was not until he came to pick Sam up from his human parental units' house that he became truly alarmed to find Sam and his mother engaging in the activity, sweating and squirming in that odd rhythmic fashion humans had, the air stinking of their sweat through the open windows.

Watching in shock, he saw Sam frowning at her, and heard the boy protest, "Mom, come on! I really don't want to do this…" She overrode the boy's protests with a loud, "Why, Sam? There's nothing wrong with it! Now come on, move those hips of yours, and shake your little tush!" Said tush was then playfully spanked, and the boy yelped and leapt away from her as though scalded, looking affronted. "MOM! We're so not doing this, it's just weird!" The woman gave one of her high laughs and grabbed the boy as the Topkick stared in, too stunned to move, and pulled her son against herself. "Nonsense, Sam! Now stop complaining and get to work."

Ironhide had watched the display up until the bodily fluids came—ugh, disgusting organics—and called for Sam afterwards. Blushing, Sam came out. "…You, uh, saw that, 'Hide?" Gravely, Ironhide responded in the affirmative. "Optimus asked me to retrieve you and bring you to the base for the weekend, as was planned. Gather your belongings, youngling, and bring them." The child bobbed his head in agreement and darted upstairs, citing the need for a shower, and returned a short time later, freshly showered with a bag. Silently, Ironhide opened his door, and the boy climbed in and buckled up. The long drive was silent at first, Ironhide trying to decide how to approach what was obviously a sensitive topic…

"Samuel." The boy's head whipped up and he looked at the radio of the Topkick like he thought something bad was going to happen. "Y-yeah, 'Hide?" Rumbling, Ironhide decided to just say it.

"That…situation…with your female parental unit. It was…unwanted?"

The human phrase 'like a deer in the headlights' came to mind when he noted the boy's expression, his sensors registering the way the human's blood pressure, heart rate, and other bodily signs indicating stress skyrocketed. Ironhide began to be more concerned. Clearly, this was a bad situation. "U-um…Y-yeah…it wasn't…I didn't really want to, but she says I have to…I mean…she wants me to know how to do it right, before I do it with Mikaela."

Well, that made little sense. "…But you have performed such actions with the girl before." The boy's face became scarlet, and Ironhide mused that if such things continued, they could call the boy a transformer.

Sam laughed a little, awkwardly. "Yeah, Mom watched a few times, but she said it wasn't good enough. She wants me to be really, really good at it, so she's teaching me about how she and dad do it, to impress Mikaela." The boy sounded utterly depressed about it. "But she holds me too tight and makes me do these THINGS…it's awful, and I'm just not that flexible!"

Ironhide wanted to shoot something. "She causes you pain?"

Sighing gustily, the boy sunk down in Ironhide's seat and rubbed his butt. "Yeah, she does. I really just don't want to do it, but…she won't take no for an answer." 

Ironhide was horrified and enraged. How could the boy's parental unit do such an atrocious thing to her own progeny? Humans were disgusting—no Cybertronian would ever do such a thing to a sparkling or youngling! Still, he sensed the boy's unhappiness and deep discomfort with the topic, and let it rest, much to the boy's relief.

He would talk to Optimus about this.

Optimus was willing to speak with him privately that very evening, and Ironhide told him everything.

"…It's disgusting! The female parental unit forced him to do these despicable actions against his will! He was begging her to stop and telling her she hurt him the whole time! Such crimes cannot be allowed to go on, Optimus, especially not to a youngling!" He glowered at the mech, expecting to be told not to interfere—but Optimus' expression was dark, like how he looked before a fight against the Decepticons.

"You are right, Ironhide. Thank you for bringing this to my attention, my friend. We will not allow such behavior to go unpunished. Sam needs our help, and he has helped us—we will return the favor." With that, the Prime strode off to contact the others, and away from the humans, the four held a meeting.

Bumblebee chirped. "Wait, what was it they were doing?" Ironhide snapped, "I already told you, they were engaging in human sexual acts—pressed together and sweating and leaking bodily fluids—it's really very disgusting. I will not talk about that act any more, but it was definitely unwanted on the boy's part, and it caused him pain. He told me!"

And of course, that was what convinced Bumblebee, and Ratchet was on fire at the very hint of the idea—forcing such a thing on a youngling!

The four of them discussed things, and it was decided that Ironhide would retrieve the parental units. The two were very confused when the Topkick showed up at their driveway and gruffly ordered them to get inside, that this had something to do with Sam, and summarily refused to say anything else for the entirety of the drive, ignoring their questions and angry outbursts.

Oh, Ironhide would have preferred to blow the scumball humans off the face of the planet, but he knew they had to follow legal processes. It was only fair, and he knew already what the outcome would be. The thought of sentencing the two child-harmers to their rightful death placated Ironhide. Nobody would hurt a youngling on his watch!

He all but threw the humans from his interior when he parked. Optimus, Ratchet, and Ironhide formed a semi-circle, a small group of humans—Mikaela, Will, and Epps—sitting by Bumblebee, who cradled a bewildered-looking Sam to his face, crooning reassuringly and stroking the boy. Ironhide forced the parents to stay from their child and Optimus called them all to attention. "Ironhide has brought certain events to our attention, and upon review, we cannot remain quiet."

That got all the humans' attention; Optimus' tone was darker and more threatening than anything Ironhide—and evidently, the humans—had ever heard. "What's wrong, Optimus? Is it the Decepticons?" Sam piped in from Bumblebee's hands, and Optimus' optics softened as they lit on the boy, his tone taking on a sorrowful note. "No, Samuel, it is not the Decepticons. It is your situation, and the…abuse…that has been plaguing you."

That got everyone's attention, and abruptly all the humans were talking at once. To Ironhide's disgust, the human woman, Judy, was trying to get over Ironhide's hand to reach 'her baby'. "Be quiet, woman! You are the abuser! You disgust me!" He snapped, and there was a sudden, ringing silence, every human in the vicinity staring at Ironhide in shock.

"I saw what you did to Sam! He said no, and you did not stop! I saw—you—raping your youngling!"

Eyes and optics shifted from a rightfully angry Ironhide to a shocked and slowly-angering Judy. "You…are accusing me of…raping my son? You stupid piece of tin, I would never--!"

Ron began yelling, then, and so did Sam and the other humans, and it became impossible to understand what anyone was saying until with a deafening noise, Optimus sounded the air horn his alt-form had given him; the humans clapped their hands over their ears while the autobots cringed. It did work though, they all fell silent.

Optimus glowered at them. "Remain quiet. We will get to the bottom of this. Sam? Tell us, has your maternal parental unit…raped you?"

Blushing bright red and indignant, Sam squirmed until Bumblebee put him down and cried, "No, she hasn't! Ironhide, why would you say that?"

All eyes turned to Ironhide, and he sputtered. "You—but I—I saw you! In the living room two days ago! You tried to get her to stop and she would not allow you! You told me she wanted you to know how to do it for Mikaela!" Sam's face went scarlet and Mikaela cringed, muttering, "Ew, Ironhide…"

There was a sudden snort of laughter from the adult humans, and the mechs turned to stare at Judy and Ron. Judy covered her grin. "…You said it was two days ago, in the living room?"

Frustrated, Ironhide bellowed, "That's what I said, isn't it?"

Snickering again, Judy stepped forward. "Well, there appears to be a…slight…misunderstanding. Ironskin—" She was interrupted by a cry from Sam, "Mom! IronHIDE! Hide, mom, hide!"

"…That's what I said, Ironhide, you didn't see me raping Sam. I was teaching him…oh, did you take a picture? Just show us."

At a nod from Optimus, Ironhide activated his hologram and re-played the disgusting scene, knowing that now, they would believe him, and Sam would see justice…

Only, that wasn't what happened. The humans abruptly started laughing, while Sam blushed. Ratchet's wrench was in his hand suddenly, and Ironhide didn't have time to duck as it smashed into his head like a ton of bricks. "Slag it, Ratchet, what was that for!"

Ratchet leapt to his feet, angry. "You glitchhead, that's not rape! That's dancing, you idiot! You never activated the link I sent you to the Internet, did you?"

Sheepish, Ironhide ducked his head. "No…"

"Well do it, now!"

Angry and confused, Ironhide did so, and at Ratchet's directions, Googled 'dancing'. He was confronted with a myriad of information, all of it pointing towards the innocence of what he'd observed.

He wished the Primes would show up and take him now to spare him the humiliation. "…Oh…"

"Yeah," Ratchet snapped, "'Oh'. Next time, google it, and don't waste our time! Fragging glitchheaded…" He stomped away, cursing Ironhide the whole time. Bumblebee didn't even say anything—he didn't even have to, just scoffed and walked away.

Soon, only the Witwickys and Optimus were left, Optimus giving him a heavy, disappointed look and the Witwickys staring. "Next time," Optimus finally rumbled, "please make sure to validate your claims before bringing them to me. You owe Judy an apology." And so, under Optimus' heavy gaze, Ironhide apologized to the woman. She smiled. "That's alright, Steelhide." He winced, but said nothing about the continued mutilation of his name. "Next time, just ask about it, okay? Oh, and Sam, don't forget, we have another dance lesson tonight. We need to get you ready to dance at your prom! Oh, my little boy, he's growing up so fast…"

On that note, Optimus left to take the humans home, and Ironhide was left with Sam staring up at him accusingly. "…Rape, Ironhide? Really? I thought I explained it to you…Jeez…" The kid rolled his eyes and walked away.

Ironhide looked around and drooped, feeling humiliated. "Well…slag."


End file.
